"Dow Announces Actions To Pee On Your Leg, Tell You It's Raining"

From the inbox, a truly remarkable press release from Dow: 

Dow Announces Actions to Drive Economic Growth in Great Lakes Bay Region 

MIDLAND, Mich. – June 28, 2016 – The Dow Chemical Company (NYSE: DOW) announced today a series of actions it will take in collaboration with several state and local economic development and community organizations to spur local employment and bring additional economic development to the Great Lakes Bay Region (GLBR). These actions are intended to help offset the impacts from restructuring measures Dow will implement to enable faster and more efficient growth of Dow Corning’s Silicones business....

It's only down below that you get the gist of what they are saying (emphasis mine):

As a result of the Company’s global workforce reduction targets announced today, approximately 700 roles in the GLBR will be eliminated from the combined companies. These reductions will come from both Dow and Dow Corning, and are part of Dow’s overall cost reduction efforts related to the transaction. 

Notifications to affected employees in the Great Lakes Bay Region will start in the coming weeks, and will continue through the end of the third quarter of 2016. Roles will be eliminated on various timetables throughout the two-year integration period.

Here's press coverage from the Wall Street Journal and also C&EN's Alex Tullo. Here's a few other ways I could imagine rewording the headline for this press release:

1. Dow Announces Actions For Employees To Spend More Time With Their Children
2. Dow Announces Actions To Enrich Shareholders At All Costs
3. Dow Announces Actions For Scientists To Consider Bold New Alternative Careers
4. Dow Announces Actions To Help Employees Work For Themselves, Yay! 
5. Dow Announces Actions To Create Hundreds More Independent Chemicals Consultants
6. Dow Announces Actions To Reinvigorate Bored Michigan Area Unemployment Offices

Your turn! 

Can we just say for a moment how offensive it is that the press release can't even say "we're laying off 700 employees" or "we're firing 700 people", but "700 roles"? Corporate America has refined the euphemism to a Michelangelo-like artform.